Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by Lost In The Lies
Summary: A list of things one is not allowed to do at Hogwarts and situations in which they happen. May not be totally canon because of the thing. Rated T to be careful - very doubtful, but I am unsure of future stories.
1. 1

Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall reached the Entrance Hall together to be met by the sight of a crowd of students. Startled the two Professors looked at each other before going closer for further inspection. As they got closer they noticed two even more odd things. One, that the doors to the Great Hall were closed. Two was that all those within the crowd seemed to be made of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws.

"Excuse me," Professor McGonagall said to the person closest to her who happened to be Anthony Goldstein. He looked up at his professor though didn't seem at all concerned to by found in the current situation. "What's going on here?" She finished seeing as she was going to get no explanation otherwise.

"We locked the Gryffindors and Slytherins in the Great Hall together and we're taking bets on who'll come out alive," Anthony replied nonchalantly looking back at the closed door where rather loud sounds seemed to be emitting from. Professor McGonagall just stared at him opened mouth.

"Do you want to put in a bet?" Padma Patil said turning around to look at them before changing a glance at Susan Bones who pulled out a book.

"We've got Professor Snape on only Slytherins coming out, but, really, we didn't expect much less. Professor Flitwick says the Gryffindors will but a couple Slytherins. Professor Sprout says only one Slytherin with the Gryffindor, Hagrid says just Gryffindors, while Professor Vector says a handful of each. Then of course there are all our bets, but we're running a bet for the teachers, the Hufflepuffs, and the Ravenclaws." Susan said reading off her notepad before looking back up at the two Professors.

"I-I-" Professor McGonagall sputtered, starring at the students before her.

"I'll put in ten Galleons for just Gryffindors, all the Weasley's and Golden Trio being among them," Dumbledore said, searching through his robes for gold.

"Albus," McGonagall starred at the Headmaster with shock who gave a sheepish expression. She glared at him as she pointed her wand at the doors to the Great Hall, opening them, many battle worn students staggering out of still flying curses.

"300 points from both Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw," Professor McGonagall said before going to talk to the other teachers having mentioned to have bet on the well being of students.

**_1. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive._**

**_

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_A/N - You see all these lists around on 'Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts' or 'Things I Won't Do At Hogwarts'. Well, I read them once in awhile, and some of the ideas are pretty funny, I even come up for stories for them. So, lately I've been copying said lists when I come across them and putting them in a document. Whenever I get an idea for one of the things on the list, I'll write it up and add another chapter to the story. It can be Marauders era, Golden Trio, or Next Gen, it might even be in Voldermort, or Dumbledore's school age, if I can't seem to fit it into the other two (though if I can't fit it in with the first two, it'll usually fit with Next Gen). So, ya, don't expect regular updates, they're kind of one shots based on a certain thing.**


	2. 2

Lily looked up as the morning post arrived on a wet September morning, hoping to receive a letter from her family. The sight that met her made her do a double take, and stare up, her mouth agape.

Murmurs broke out around the hall. The owls were...the majority of them...well, they were a jumble of colors, and Lily Evans couldn't tear her eyes away from the very colourful sight.

"What the....how...what?" Lily rambled, finally finding her voice though just trailing off in the end as she continued to stare. Her owl, Ashes, landed before her, as colourful as the rest. He seemed to be tie-dyed, and Lily could do nothing but stare at the bird, which ruffled his wings waiting for her to take the letter.

"That, Lily is what happens when Sirius and James get bored," Said Remus, seeming slightly amused by the site. Lily looked up at her fellow first year that she had gotten along well with and just stared at him.

"They did this?" She asked faintly, looking around at the millions of other owls that were also tie-dyed and couldn't help but shiver at the thought of what would happen when they knew _more_ magic.

"Yes, I believe they didn't use a single ounce of magic, did each owl single handily," Remus said with a shrug before walking down the table to meet said boys, who seemed to not even have noticed the oddness of the owls caused by their hands.

Lily shook her head, frowning slightly. She took her letter from Ashes, who was normally a gray-black color, and read it. What really got her was the P.S. at the bottom.

_P.S. What happened to Ashes? Why is he so colourful? _

**_2. I will not tie-dye all of the owls._**

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_**A/N - I thought two chapters for the first one, and I've got two written. I think the next one might be one on all LOTR stuff, I want searching for all of it and decided to put it into one. I'll probably do something similar with the Star Wars one.**

**Also, it's rated T, because it's full of one-shots, and I have no idea what I'm going to do for each one, so I did it just to be on the safe side, though I doubt it'll be like that (though there is something about a house elf stripping....)**

**Oh, also, we've all seen these lists, you might even have one on your own Fanfiction profile, or somewhere else. If you see one, or a few, you particularly like, send them to me in a review or something, and if I don't always have it, because I haven't been to every HP fans profile on the net, that's just impossible, I'll add it to the list. Can't promise I'll get to it straight away, but it'll be there for the future. But if I don't get it I'll either just take it off or ask you to explain it, as I've taken off a few on the lists I've copied, either 'cause I already had parts of them or I just didn't get it.**


	3. LOTR 3,4&5

"What are you doing Mr. Black?" Professor McGonagall asked stopping as she watched Sirius Black standing just out of the Whomping Willow's reach – not taunting it as many students often did, and the teachers were starting to consider forbidding people to go anywhere near it, knowing that it could be dangerous to do so, but talking animatedly to it.

"Trying to get her to talk back," Sirius said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "She's a very stubborn one. But all women are stubborn," Sirius said with a laugh, before quickly adding, "No offence Professor." Then he once more turned back to the tree, which was thrashing animatedly, trying to get him, whether because it was its normal doings or he was seriously starting to annoy the tree, was unknown.

"Her?" The Transfiguration professor asked warily, unsure if she wanted to know the reply.

"The Whomping Willow is an Entwife, didn't you know that Professor?" Sirius asked, and without waiting for a response, turned back to his one person conversation with the tree.

"Entwife?" McGonagall said weakly, looking over at James, Remus and Peter who sat under a tree not too far away. Though all looked at her and shrugged.

"He's been doing this for two days, and that's all we can get out of him," James muttered shaking his hand as he starred at his best friend as though he was nuts (which was most likely true.)

McGonagall passed a hand over her face as she walked away. The Marauders were seriously going to drive her into retirement – Black could probably do it by himself.

* * *

"Have you ever noticed...?" Sirius trailed off as he sat in the Library a couple days later with his friends doing their Defence Against the Dark Arts homework.

"Noticed what?" James asked, looking up from his homework. He didn't even like being in the library, period. But sometimes, you had to make the sacrifice.

"Dementors look a lot like a lot like Nazghul...very suspicious. That can't be a coincidence," Sirius said as he looked down at the picture of a Dementor with narrowed eyes.

"Prongs?" Sirius asked when he got no response, looking up at his best friend to find all three of his best friends starring at him with open mouths. "What?" He asked confused.

"What is a Nazghul Sirius?" Remus asked, extremely confused, having never heard of the creature, or seen anything that looked close to a Dementor.

"And you're supposed to be the smart one," Sirius said with a laugh, waving his hand as he looked at James and Peter. They both looked at Sirius, the confusion clearly on their faces too.

"Really guys," Sirius said, rolling his eyes as he packed up his stuff and headed out of the library.

* * *

"James, James," Peter said as he ran into the Gryffindor common room, breathing heavily, obviously having ran there.

"Wormtail, what is it?" James looked at him shocked and a few others were snickering behind their hands.

"It's...Sirius..." Peter said, tugging on his arm, his eyes wide as though he'd seen something impossible. James groaned.

"What's he doing _now_?" James asked, remembering the Nazghul incident the day before, and the thing with the Whomping Willow and Antwife or something like that a few days previous...they hadn't even been back a whole month!

"You have to see for yourself, you won't believe otherwise," Peter said, dragging James behind him. James was surprised when Peter dragged him to the Library.

"What are we do-" James started until he saw Remus a few steps over, his mouth hanging open. James went over to him with Peter at his side.

"I...I came in here...with Peter to...to...and he...he was...already...here?...and..." Remus mumbled and James followed Remus' eyes to see none other than Sirius, in the Library, according to Remus by his own accord, searching the books, pulling books out, flipping through them, before shoving them back on, and apparently looking for something specific. James stood there shocked.

Finally James swallowed and went over to Sirius, Remus and Peter following. "Ummmm...Padfoot? What are you doing?" James asked the confusion clear on his face.

"I'm looking for the prequel to Hogwarts: A History," Sirius said as he pulled off another book, nearly hitting James in the nose.

None of the three Marauders were sure what they expected to hear, but none of them could have even imagined anything similar to that.

"Ummmm...Padfoot? Hogwarts: A History doesn't _have _a prequel," Remus said, sure he would have heard of it if it did. "I didn't even know you read Hogwarts: A History," He added under his breath.

"What's a prequel?" Asked Peter and even James looked slightly confused at that term. Remus sighed.

"It's like a sequel – you know a book to go with another written after it. Except a sequel is about stuff that happened after the first book – a prequel is stuff that happened before, but the book was still written after," Sirius said to all threes surprise. Then again, he had originally said the word. "And it does – it explains about Bilbo Baggins."

Remus looked at him confused – that name stirred something in his memory. He could have sworn he had read that name somewhere.

"Who's Bilbo Baggins?" Asked Peter and James nodded in agreement.

"Damnit, Sirius, you've been going through muggle stuff again, haven't you," Remus said, crossing his arms, a scowl on his face. His mom was muggle born and she still liked to stay 'connected', as she put it, with the muggle world. So Remus knew a lot about it, and the things Sirius had been saying suddenly came rushing back.

"Yep, I stole those three muggle books of yours – The Lord of the Rings – to read over the summer, to, you know, annoy my parents. They were great! I didn't know books could be so good! Middle Earth is so awesome; I wish I could go there..." Sirius started babbling while Peter and James looked even more confused, and Remus started rubbing his head.

"There is no Middle Earth, Sirius," Remus said, cutting him off, a frustrated look on his face, though ruined by a half smile (he finally understood what all this nonsense was about!)

"What?" Sirius asked confusion clear on his face. Remus took the book out of his hands and gently led him out of the Library so they wouldn't get kicked out. James and Peter followed.

"The book is fiction," Remus said, all three of his friends looking confused by then. "It means it's made up – like The Tales of Beadle the Bard. The person who wrote it made it up – the people, the creatures, the world, even the language. They made everything up. I have to say, it is one of the best muggle fiction books there is out there – I've never seen so much creativity put into a book – but it's all made up."

While both Peter and James looked like they finally understood, Sirius looked as though Christmas had been cancelled (and Christmas was one of his favourite holidays – when he didn't have to go home). "It's...it's all made up?" Sirius asked, looking like he was about to cry. Remus nodded uncertainly.

Sirius turned his back on his friends, shaking. "I was hoping to make my way to Middle Earth and...and maybe get invited to Aragorn and Arwen's wedding...maybe meet Éowyn," Remus couldn't help but chuckle at that last part.

"You do realize the year it is, that they give in the book," Remus asked, and Sirius nodded his head, his back still on them.

"I thought their time differed from ours," He mumbled, adding something else that they couldn't catch.

"You know, there is another book," Remus said, and Sirius quickly turned to look at them. Remus couldn't help but look amused. "It was the first written, called 'The Hobbit'. It explains about Bilbo Baggins," Remus said watching Sirius' face suddenly light up as though it was actually Christmas.

"Where is it," Sirius said, suddenly tugging on his arm. James and Peter were both standing to the side, not sure if they should look amused, worried or scared, so their expression was a mixture of the three. Sirius was going crazy over a _book_, after all.

"You give me back the Lord of the Rings book, and I'll send an owl to my mom asking her to send me the book," Remus said looking amused and slightly frightened as he tried to get Sirius off him.

"Yes," Sirius shouted as he ran down the hall doing some sort of odd dance along with it. The three just stared after him.

"You're right Peter – I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it," James said as he starred after Sirius in shock.

"And nobody else is going to," Peter added not sure he fully believed it himself.

"Sirius Black: Obsessing over a book," Remus said shaking his head, also not seeing others believing it.

"I need to lie down," All three said at once, before looking at each other and laughing.

_**3. The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.**_

_**4. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazghul is coincidental.**_

_**5. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.**_


	4. 6&7

Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks and Arthur Weasley were sitting at the kitchen table at number twelve, Grimmauld Place, while Molly cooked supper behind them. The four were talking in whispers, but stopped suddenly as Fred and George came running into the room, looking excited, Fred holding something behind his back.

"What is it boys?" Arthur asked suspiciously as he watched his sons who no doubt looked over excited about something, both bouncing on the balls of their feet. Molly turned around to watch them, looking suspicious.

"Well-" Fred began, glancing at George, a large grin plastered on his face.

"We were just sitting around and thinking-" George continued for his brother.

"You know, about everything-"

"And so, well, here-"

"We got you a present!" They finished, Fred holding out a crudely wrapped gift, with '**REMUS LUPIN**' written across it in clear, bold letters. Everybody looked at the two in shock.

"Well, ummmm, thanks guys..." Remus said, looking utterly confused, as he glanced between the other two. They just shrugged at him, looking as lost as he was, though Molly still looked very suspicious.

"Open it!" They sang together, seeming very excited, watching as he took the present from Fred's hands. Still looking perplexed, Remus slowly opened the package.

"It's a flea collar," They said together, looking proud of themselves as Remus stared down at it his mouth hanging open. Sirius suddenly burst out laughing, and fell on the ground, rolling in laughter.

"Shut up Padfoot," Remus hissed as his face turned red. Tonks snorted, and tried to cover her mouth to hide her laughter, but soon she couldn't help it and soon was slumped on the table laughing, not nearly as bad as her cousin though, who was rolling on the ground laughing. Arthur on the other hand was doing a better job of hiding his laughter, having had many years of practice.

"Oh, and Sirius," Fred said turning to Sirius he raised his head slightly to show that he was listening.

"We wanted to know," George said, tilting his head to the side.

"If you've ever been neutered?" They asked together, their faces looking as innocent as they possibly could. At that moment, Ron, Hermione and Ginny had been walking in, and froze where they stood, their faces frozen in shock. Though their expressions were nothing compared to Sirius'.

Sirius' face was indescribable frozen as he stared at the too. Tonks fell out of her chair and was soon rolling on the floor laughing like her cousin had been only moments before. Remus snorted as he glanced at Sirius who glared at him, clearly telling him to shut it. Even Arthur couldn't hold back, and a bit of laughter escaped his facade. Molly sent him a glare.

"I think we missed something," Hermione muttered, looking somewhat amused, though Ginny and Ron were both cracking into laughter beside her. As soon as they saw the expression on Mrs. Weasley's face though, they quietly slipped out.

"Boys," Molly said, looking extremely dangerous, and the twins looked at her confused, seeming to not be able to see what they did wrong. Only Sirius and Remus saw the small looks they exchanged, and the two glared at the twins, even more so at Tonks, who was still on the ground, laughing.

_**6. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.**_

_**7. I will not ask Sirius if he was neutered.**_

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**I personally thought Tonks would find that extremly amusing...anyways...check out my Next Gen. fic why don't you? You know, if you like my writing...ya...-sad other story hasn't gotten single review...not even one of criticism-...you know, if you want too...**

**-Ley**


	5. 8

"June, we got June – "

"MAY!"

"So that's May, anybody says sooner? How 'bout sooner?"

"Look at her; she'll be gone by mid March."

"So that's mid March, any other dates? No, no? OK – how then, how?"

"She'll just go back at the end of the year."

"Nah, we're so going to drive her crazy."

"The Ministry will finally realize how big of an idiot she is and take her away."

"No, they'll realize they're wrong and take her back."

"She'll get arrested for illegal acts."

"OK, OK, so that's just go back, drive crazy, realize she's an idiot and take her away, realize they're wrong and take her back, and get arrested – anybody have anything else? Anything else?"

"Dumbledore will have to go into hiding and she'll be made temporary Headmistress and the power will get to her head and she'll end up somehow pissing off the centaurs, and they will take her away and drive her crazy on the same night – the night OWLs end – the ministry realize their wrong and she'll go back but she won't get fired."

Everybody turned and stared at Ron, some mouths hanging open. Ron looked back and just shrugged his shoulders saying "What?" They all just shook their heads before turning back to Fred, George and Lee who were standing on the fountain within the courtyard, holding the session.

"So, anything else, anything at al-"

"What is going on here?" A girlish voice simpered and they all turned to see the teacher they were betting over, McGonagall right behind her. Lee and the twins quickly stuffed their betting pads and the money bag into their pockets, trying to look innocent, as all the kids in front of them shifted uncomfortably.

"Ummmm..." Ernie said nervously as he shifted from foot to foot, looking at others for help.

"Mr. Weasley," Umbridge said in her high, girlish voice as she looked at the two twins. They looked at each other before shrugging.

"Opening our yearly betting people on the fate of this year's Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher," Fred said sounding rather bored.

"It's a rather good to make money – they always leave the least way you expect them to. I mean last year we couldn't do it because he told us ahead of time he was leaving..." George said with a shrug and a sigh.

"We never start it until a week into school," Fred went on.

"You know, so all students can have got some sort of experience with the teacher," George continued.

"To give them a fair chance," They finished together.

"Oh, and encase you forgot, this year's Defence teacher is you," Lee added rather boldly and a lot of people snorted into their hands while Fred and George smirked.

"All three of you, detention, the rest of the week," Umbridge said before turning and leaving.

McGonagall just dropped her head into her hands though a small smile was on her face.

(Funnily enough, for the first time since the pooling started, somebody won. Ron made forty-five gallons that year.)

_**8. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.**_


End file.
